I keep my condolences simple when giving them to someone who has lost a beloved pet. It wasn't always like that, I was a complete idiot.
In my nervousness, I would say many stupid things. It wasn't until after I had said something that I realized how awful some of my words were.
You can't say anything magical to ease someone's pain, but you can certainly say things that will make it worse. Here are 3 things to avoid saying after someone has lost their pet (and what you should say instead).
Do not ask “Are you getting another dog?”
You make it seem like the dog is replaceable when you ask someone who has just lost one, “Are you getting another? They can go and buy another dog and everything will be fine.
Pets are not replaceable. You can't replace an animal that you love, care for and cherish. It takes time for a bond to form and for the connection to heal.
The grief that many of us feel when we lose a pet can be almost as strong than the grief felt after the death of a friend or family member. You wouldn't suggest that someone replace a family member or friend with another dog. Suggestions that we get another dog will undermine our grief and make it appear as though ‘getting through it' is easy. Each grieves in a different way.
Even though the idea that grief over pets can be traumatizing is becoming more widely accepted, we still don't acknowledge it. Do not make them feel worse by telling them that they can get a new pet and then move on. Grief is not like that.
Instead of asking “when will you get another dog”, offer your condolences. You can tell them you are sorry for their loss and you will be there to help them in any way you can.
Grief comes in waves, ebbing and rushing. The water can be calm or overwhelming. We can only learn to swim. Vicki Harrison
Asking someone who has lost a pet ‘when are you going to get another one' undermines their grief, making it seem like it's easy to ‘get past'.
Don't Push For Details
Do not be surprised or offended if someone does not want to disclose all details about the death of their pet. Some people don't feel comfortable sharing private information with others, especially in public.
It was exhausting to keep myself from crying every two seconds when I returned to work after having lost my dog Carter. When I began to focus on my work, someone would ask me ‘oh gosh! I'm sorry. What happened?'
It's not easy to answer. Every time I was asked that, I would start crying again. I didn't mean to be rude, but I couldn't say anything without making me cry.
Asking a question they may not feel comfortable answering can be difficult. It was painful to have to say “my dog died” or “Carter is dead”. It was excruciating to have to say'my dog died' or ‘Carter is gone'.
Do not demand information. Allow them to tell you about their concerns if they wish to.
Asking ‘oh, my god!' puts the person in a difficult position to have to respond. You can offer your condolences but end the conversation in a manner that will only require them to thank you. Let them talk to you if they want to.
There is no greater pain than the memory of joy when you are in grief. – Aeschylus
When dealing with grief, some people may have difficulty keeping their emotions in check. Do not force them to have a conversation that they may not want by asking for details. Tell them you are there to listen and you're always available for a chat.
Do not second guess their decision
Don't make comments like “When my dog got sick, we gave him [insert random herb, therapy or drug here] and he lived for another three years.” Even if you're well-meaning, these types of remarks undermine the grieving person and makes it seem as if they could have saved their dog if they had made the “right” choices.
It's cruel to give someone uninvited advice after they have lost their pet.
There are many decisions to be made about end-of-life care and there is no ‘right' way to handle them all. While some choices may seem obvious, keep in mind that you were not there. You may not be aware of all the “what ifs” and issues raised about quality of life.
These choices may not be easy but, as pet owners, we are responsible for making them. Details of treatment should only be discussed between the pet owner and veterinarian if they are freely available.
Offer your support instead of your opinion. You can tell them you're sorry and you're always there to help them. Find some common ground if you've experienced something similar. This will help to avoid coming across as judgmental.
It's perfectly acceptable to add a simple “F cancer” sentiment in your condolences if their dog has cancer. It's because, F cancer. It's the worst thing you can do.
Grief is not a story. It's not smooth. There is no beginning, middle or end. – Ann Hood
Before comparing yourself to someone else, ask yourself: “How will they feel?” Do not share your opinion, but rather offer your support. Allow them to grieve, without making it a contest.
What to say to someone who has lost a pet
Keep it simple if you're not sure what to say to someone who has lost a pet. Avoid being nervous and saying something you will regret. Let them know that you are sorry and offer your condolences.